First time ever I saw your face…

It felt strange…. I had become a Mother…. I had a Son. All this responsibility suddenly dropped on you.

Nearly 40 hours had passed since I last saw him. Today would be the day! We could also see him and start to decide on a name. We had a few lined up but had to see him to know what suited him.


When I arrived in York I got settled in. I had managed to bring my own pillow with me, what luxury! It was quite nice, I had my own private room with a view.!


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I waited for my husband to arrive so we could head down together. When he arrived he got me loaded up into a wheel chair. I wanted my independence back but was knackered! The SCBU (Special Care Baby Unit) was all the way down a long corridor and I couldn’t be bothered walking.


We walked (and wheeled) down the corridor. There was a door with a buzzer you had to press. Someone met us and took us into the Intensive care room where our son was. It was a pretty daunting room. Machines everywhere and beeps going off constantly…


We walked over to the incubator and peered in. Our little man was in there, sunbathing!


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Tucked up in a little nest, he was all red and blotchy. He was under UV lights as they were treating him for Jaundice. He had oxygen going in through his nose to help aid his breathing. He had heart monitors picking up his heartbeat.


On his foot was a Sats machine. This picked up heart rate also and breathing rate. If his breathing dropped or stopped, this would alarm. He also had a cannula going into his tiny hand giving him medicine. It was unbelievable how they could fit a needle into such a tiny hand!

He had a nappy on him that had been tucked into itself. When we put one of these on him a few days later, it went up to under his arms!

I wanted to feel that rush of love, but in truth i wasn’t sure what i felt. It was all rather overwhelming and hard to get my head round the fact this was MY son.

He weighed a tiny 2lb 70z. Its hard to believe that people gave birth to 7lb+ babies as a 2lb baby looked just the right size too give birth to naturally!

I feel for woman who have big babies. It hard to believe that they can fit in your tummy and come out the other end! The human body is really amazing.

He was in the intensive care part of the special care baby unit. He was monitored closely. Sat staring at him, his machines kept bleeding. It was scary as nurses rushed in to check. He stopped breathing sometimes, something quite common with premature babies but still very scary. His heart beat would sometimes drop right down as well 45bpm, 60bpm…. It would slowly climb back up to 145+bpm. It felt like forever, watching the screen closely and worrying.

After a while my husband headed off back home and I went back down to my room. I needed rest as well, I was drained and also needed my medicine.

I still had the horrible socks on but was too tired to shower. They would have to wait another day!


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